BONUS: The Ultimate Homeschooler Movie Quiz
I said no, I don't want girls to see my armpits
I’m so excited to announce that I’m opening up the first tier of paid subscriptions for this substack! For the low, low price of $100/month, you can join the “G. Marie’s Sister” Tier, where you will not receive any additional content—but I will call you, panicking, the night before every one of my dinner parties, and make you plan the entire menu. Wow!
One time I was having a conversation with an English friend and I referred to him as a fellow former homeschooler. “We actually call ourselves ‘home educators,’” he corrected me, “to distinguish ourselves from the weird Americans.” Who was he talking about? I have no idea.
On a completely unrelated topic, many of the people I grew up with are slowly realizing that perhaps a chiropractor was not qualified to diagnose them with numerous food allergies. One guy in his early twenties recently found that he actually has no problem eating gluten and dairy, a discovery that shattered his identity and made him question everything else he had been told about himself. His personal process of deconstruction has involved eating an entire pizza once a week.
Anyway, I had been attempting to compile a list of “homeschooler movies,” and the haters, which is to say, reasonable critics, pointed out that the list was mainly Christian movies that Christians watch. In response to my haters, I have put together the Ultimate Homeschooler Movie Quiz, which not only explains the particular homeschooler valences of different films but also assigns quantitative, scientific homeschooler scores to each one.
The most important aspect of the homeschool movie is also the most mercurial. I refer, of course, to that elusive descriptor “educational.” If a homeschool mom pronounced something educational (be it a movie, book, or outing), you knew that not only would you be allowed to enjoy the thing unbothered but also it would show up in your portfolio somewhere.
Of course, there is nothing keeping the general public from watching many of these movies, but, you know, if you’ve got a lot of points, odds are… YOU’RE A HOMESCHOOLER. If you feel so inclined, please comment or respond1 with your score, so I can know how to treat you from now on.
I started with that anecdote not just because it is a gentle yet devastating burn, but also to preempt the next obvious criticism. The homeschooling community I grew up in was in America, very Catholic (with some strong Evangelical influences), and overwhelmingly white. This is the community that informs my idea of homeschooler movies, but if you are from England or grew up LDS or your parents were inspired by liberation schools, you probably watched very different movies! Send me your list.
An early version of the following was presented at a Crampton Hodnet PowerPoint party.
The Love Comes Softly Series (2003)
Woman’s husband tragically dies as they are heading West. It is the nineteenth century. She is pregnant, and winter is fast approaching. She will never love again. Then she promises to fake a marriage or something and raise a widower’s kid? But she won’t fall in love with her fake husband… Or will she… heh heh heh…
I tried to read through all the Wikipedia pages associated with this series so I could write a longer synopsis, but I just got confused by all the people marrying their sister’s widower and dying by tripping over axes.
Pretty sure only homeschoolers watch this one, so not even gonna get into the valences.
+5 points if you’ve heard of this series
+25 points if you’ve seen any amount of it
Chariots of Fire (1981)
This is a great movie, so many of you (hopefully) have seen this, regardless of your homeschooler status. However, this one is particularly popular among the homeschoolers because it’s both educational (history) and about Christians getting discriminated against.
(One of the plot lines is, anyway—a light google shows that Harold Abrahams’ storyline often gets overlooked in homeschool materials. I did originally watch this in an educational context, but I can’t remember if Eric Liddell received outsized attention or how much we discussed antisemitism.)
+5 points if you’ve seen it
+10 points if you had/have a crush on Eric Liddell and/or Harold Abrahams
Amazing Grace (2006)
Similar to Chariots of Fire, this is a popular choice for history homework.
+5 points if you’ve seen it
+10 points if you had/have a crush on William Wilberforce
The War of the Vendée (2012)
I have no way of proving this, but I know in my heart that this movie was made by and for homeschoolers.
Featuring a cast made up entirely of children, The War of the Vendée boasts a Robespierre with braces and some of the most epic battle scenes you will ever witness. Watch through to the second half of the trailer to see the army of tiny tots.
+25 points if you’ve heard of this movie
+100 points if you’ve seen it
Prince of Egypt (1998)
Everyone in their right mind has seen this one, but I’ll give the slackers some points here.
+2 points if you’ve seen this
+5 points if it was the scariest movie you were allowed to watch until age 12
Modest Is Hottest (2011)
I can just HEAR the haters crying “but it’s not a movie!!” You know what? I don’t care! These presumably Mormon boys did not write the line “I’m saving these armpits for my wife” and coin the phrase “modesty is hottesty” just for you to gatekeep what goes on my quiz.
This is a true cinematic masterpiece imho. The armpits verse is literature.
+10 points if you’ve seen this video (you can count watching it now)
+25 if you know most of the words to the armpits verse
The Fievel Series (1986)
The story of Fievel, a Russian-Jewish immigrant to the US who also happens to be a mouse. Although it’s silly and fantastic, it’s also “brutally realistic”—Fievel gets sold to a sweatshop and quickly learns that the claim that there would be “no cats in America” was false. Perhaps this movie was your introduction to the history of immigration to the US, because it is, you guessed it, educational.
It also has the absolute banger song “There Are No Cats in America.” Can’t say I have ever paid much attention to the verses but no doubt they are full of ethnic stereotypes.
+5 points for every Feivel movie you’ve seen
Miniseries
Lots of people watch miniseries, it’s true! But homeschoolers really have the time to devote to watching lots of them and even rewatching them. Plus, miniseries are usually based on books, making them educational. Plus plus, miniseries are usually about old things or people with lots of siblings, making them both wholesome and relatable.
+3 points if you’ve seen the BBC Pride and Prejudice more than twice
+5 points for each of the other miniseries you’ve seen at least once
+10 points if you thought Richard Armitage had “attractive forearms” in North and South
+25 points if you were in love with Gilbert Blythe
-5 points if you’ve seen the Netflix Anne with an E series
Fiddler on the Roof (1971)
This is a very long movie, so like the miniseries, homeschoolers are somewhat more likely to have seen it, especially multiple times.
In addition, Fiddler contains just the right amount of feminism for the homeschooling public: you should be able to choose who you marry, as long as you get your dad to agree eventually—but if you meet a hot Orthodox guy, all bets are off.
+10 points if you’ve seen it more than once
Sally Hemings: An American Love Story
Yes, this is a romance about Sally Hemings and Thomas Jefferson. It has been mostly forgotten by civilized humanity, except when the cover occasionally resurfaces as a meme.
My sister discovered this horrifying film at the house of a fellow homeschooler—one can only guess that the romanticization of the founders was supposed to make up for Jefferson’s lack of, uh, family values.
+25 points if you’ve heard of it
+100 points if you’ve seen it, and also, I don’t know, go sterilize your brain with rubbing alcohol
ADD UP YOUR SCORE
PUBLIC SCHOOOOOOOOLER
0–10 Points
You, without a doubt, went to the most secular, worldly institution out there: Public School. You probably were allowed to wear belly-button shirts (I’m informed that normal people called these “““crop tops”””) and two-piece swimsuits. You probably dated while you were still in high school and unable to support a family. You either were a bully or were bullied. You went to a prom where they didn’t bleep the word “sexy” in Gangnam Style and play multiple songs from the Tarzan soundtrack. Disgusting. You are hated and feared by Godly children.
Private-/Classical-Christian-/Charter-schooler
11–30 Points
Also includes the dual-enrolled/temporarily homeschooled
OK, so, you know, your parents tried, but they were clearly pretty morally lax, because obviously these options are just the lazy man’s homeschooling. I’m sure they had great intentions, and if they had been brought up in slightly more God-fearing households, they probably would have homeschooled. Don’t worry though—if you homeschool your kids, you can pretty thoroughly redeem yourself.
HOMESCHOOLER
30+ Points
You, blessed child, were a homeschooler. You were allowed to run feral, the way God intended for a man. At some point in your life, you had an intense obsession with George Washington, and you researched him exhaustively. Your mind is wholesome, and no immoral influences have stained it. May you have many children.
Just an FYI, for some reason I am unable to respond to email responses to my substacks… Know that I always appreciate your notes, even if I can’t reply!
I resent two things: the amount of math this quiz made me do (though I did use a calculator eventually) and the fact that I feel PERSONALLY TARGETED by the reference to Mr. Thornton's forearms.
The only reason you watched Chariots of Fire was because you were assigned a book about Eric Liddell. I could check but I don't think I listed movies on your log. And don't get me started on The Prince of Egypt and Pocahontas. If you're going to make a historical movie, MAKE IT TRUE! Although there are good songs in each. And you are correct that "No Cats in America" is a work of genius.